06 Jul Sexy Friday: The (Not So) Subtle Art of Seduction
Hello and welcome to our second sexy friday! This week, we are very excited to share some tips on how to keep your long-term relationship thriving and sexy!
Long-term relationships can get a bad rep when it comes to sex—where any semblance of a sex life goes to die. Please (yes, we’re not too proud to beg), consider bringing more flirting, seduction, and sexual encounters back into your long-term partnership(s). By tapping into the power of seduction when your relationship is fresh and when you’re deep in the comfort zone, you’ll be able to create closer bonds which will help you continue creating a relationship that feels great.
Psychotherapist, Esther Perel, agrees with the idea that sex can wind up on the back burner in long-time relationships, “…the closer a couple binds together in emotional, verbal and domestic intimacy (compounded by the stress of parenting), the less chance they have of remaining lovers.” Ouch! What’s a lover in a long-term relationship to do?
The great news is that there are answers, and it begins with flirting.
People are less focused on flirting, and more focused on scoring. The word “flirt” comes from the French word “fleuret”, meaning teasing. It’s about playing with possibility—translated to English means “foil”—one of the three swords used in fencing. When using a foil, fencers can only win points using the tip of the weapon. Flirting is the idea of playing with just the tip of the sword—it’s about the tease, and the gentle to tantalizing touch.
Since flirting and seduction is an art, you can always strengthen your skills. Teasing is all about playing with possibility, and not going for the home run on the first swing. Flirting is an expression of the vibes between partners and the feelings and interaction between people who are fully present and completely enthralled in the moment.
The art of seduction
Seduction isn’t about beauty or looking a certain way. It’s about the mind, and it’s available to anyone who wants to play. To take on the role of a seducer, you’ll simply make a mental shift towards taking pleasure in showing up fully and performing without being distracted by all the societal “shoulds.”
When it comes to seduction, consider yourself first; what’s seductive about you? What kind of energy or vibe are you giving off? Then, consider the object of your affection, and how you’ll help them to drop their defenses and surrender to your seducing.
Since flirting and seduction are skills, here are some fun ways to master the game:
Play with creativity and possibility
Reintroduce the idea of frustration. In some cultures, especially in North America, it’s natural and expected to get what we want when we want it. To be a flirt, we need to try harder without focusing on the end goal. We’re a goal-oriented society who often aims to score as quickly as possible. We know what the outcome will be, so why bother putting forth any effort? This is where we can easily fall into a sexual rut.
As you reconnect with your creativity and vitality, and learn to play with possibility, you’ll discover that there’s a connection between staying curious and the quality of your sexual satisfaction. It’s not about going straight for the pants (or skirts), it’s about having a particular sexualization in your relationship. This can be a look or a gaze. The magic is in how you feel in the presence of each other and how connected you feel to your sexual side. Focus less on the frequency of sex and more on the poetic nuances of sex, by connecting to your internal erotic self.
The eyes (and mouth) have it
When you step confidently into a room or are sitting in a cafe and notice someone you’re instantly attracted to, you’ll naturally glance at them. If you’re in a long-term relationship, play with this just by walking into the room where your partner is sitting. Most of the time, this person will feel your energy and turn to meet your gaze. Our eyes are powerful when it comes to energy, and the retriever will often feel it. Have fun with this by continuing to look when they turn your way and notice. A smile may naturally form on your lips at this point, and you may find your eyes are instinctively smiling.
Ahem… speak up
Utter a few words acknowledging the other person. If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, try recalling things that used to make you smile, and stay open to something new. A brief, “Hi,” can do wonders in many situations.
Take a hint—from your body
Keep your mind open and flowing and your body language will follow. If your legs are crossed, consider uncrossing them to demonstrate you’re open. Pay attention to your body and how you feel. Looks can be deceiving, but your body knows what’s up. Face the person you’re desiring and keep your feet pointed in their direction.
Change your undies
Of course, we’re assuming you do this already. The next time you change, wear some slightly different undergarments, the ones you’ve been ignoring for the past year (or five). Just knowing what kind of sexiness is happening under your clothes can heighten your seductive senses.
Keep touch light and sensual
Make touch a priority and touch your partner often—don’t be stingy! The other person needs to know you don’t have an abundance of touch waiting for them. Keep your touches light and brief.
Play with the Law of Attraction
The law of attraction is an element of the seduction game—and it derives from what appears to be a natural order. When you’re flirting, you’re shifting your energy field of love vibrations for a passing moment, and it can leave a trace of anticipation behind that can leave you craving more all day (or longer). Every seduction-filled moment can present discussions of possibilities.
You may approach a flirting session with a known outcome. See if you can slow down, and detach from what you think will happen and find pleasure in the journey. Keep the air of possibility open and stay receptive to new experiences.
Written by Bliss sexologist Kelly McDonnell-Arnold. Learn more about Kelly and get her secret “Tips From the Couch” here.
If you enjoyed this article, you might like these too:
- How to keep things spicy when you’re a bit vanilla
- How to start a meaningful conversation about sex
- Your couples counselling questions, answered
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